This just in: the NCCA Heisman Trophy committee convened an emergency  meeting last night for an unprecedented early season final vote. The  winner is… Barack Obama!

Oh, and the NHL has cancelled the entire season and awared the Stanley  Cup to… Barack Obama!

Wait, there’s more! The current Miss America has been stripped of her title for failing to fulfill her duties! The tiara and sash will be  passed to… Barack Obama!

But WAIT… this JUST in! A puff of smoke has appeared from the  College of Cardinals! The new Pope of the Catholic church is… Barack  Obama!

And the gold medal for the 100 meter dash in the 2008 Olympics has  been stripped from Usain Bolt! The new, rightful owner of the medal  is… Barack Obama!

Obama was also named the Motor Trend “Car of the Year” winner for 2009.